Creative Answering Machine Messages


  "Hi. Now you say something."


  "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine
  is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."


  You know what I hate about answering machine messages?
  They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they
  really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."
  That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short.
  I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to
  suffer through another long answering machine message
  when you call me...


  Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?


  Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
  refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
  your message to myself with one of these magnets.


  Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering
  machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave
your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)


  (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave
  a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to
  leave your name and number, please press pound, press
  3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your
  number. If you want to leave your name and just a
  message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443,
  then leave your name and message. If you want to leave
  your number and the time you called, please press star
  twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and
  BEEP


  This is not an answering machine -- this is a
  telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone,
  think about your name, your reason for calling, and a
  number where I can reach you, and I'll think about
  returning your call.


  Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
  Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at
  the sound of the tone, please hang up.


  I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia
  and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember.
  I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving
  my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.


  Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
  don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call
  back, it's you.


  Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were
  trying to call me, you've dialled the wrong number. On
  the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim,
  or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone.
  I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back --
  only that I won't.


  Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone
  right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone
  until I call you back.


  Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home
  right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second
  while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff
  around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?


  We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number.
  Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.


  I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll
  leave your name and number, I will get back to you as
  soon as I'm here in person. I don't want to bore you
  with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an
  answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an
  illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to
  find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I
  will call you back.


  Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't
  come to the phone right now, but if you leave your
  name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call
  you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in
  next week's National Enquirer.


  I'm gone.


  (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.


  This is David. Talk to me.


  You have reached 555-6238. Why?


  This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your
  you-know-what you-know-when.


  You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering
  machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.


  (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and
  when she went out for beer, he changed her answering
  machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film
  voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself
  right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get
  back to you when I'm feeling better.


  [VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm
  sorry, Dave, I can't do that.


  Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the
  phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your
  name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood
  and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the
  following words: orange...mother...unicorn...penis.
  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as
  possible.


  How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't
  understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I
  wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!