Press Stop to get your fortune for the day

1... You will be eaten by marmots. Nobody will notice you're gone.

2... Somebody who you've been secretly stalking for months will finally initiate conversation with you, either to present you with a restraining order or because she mistakes you for someone else. Either way, this is your chance! Don't let it pass.

3... Just when you are certain that bag of chips that's been lying on your windowsill for months is empty, you find a hidden morsel in the left (left facing you) corner of the bag. It will taste a little stale, but still good.

4... Your computer will crash. You will be required to reboot.

5... The President of the United States of America will say your name on television. But just your first name and he will be referring to someone else.

6... You will become a demigod on a planet in another galaxy.

7... You will get a cup of coffee on your way to work/school. You will take the coffee aboard some object of transportation (perhaps a bus). The bus will accelerate, moving faster and faster... Then it will stop. You will get off. You will accidentally leave your coffee on the bus. You will be slightly irritated. A homeless person will drink the coffee three days later.

8... You will become suspicious that a second shooter was involved in the JFK assassination. A week later, you will disappear without a trace. Nobody will notice you're gone.

9... Someone will pay you a compliment, but not really mean it.

10... You will be in the showers in a locker room. You will drop your soap. You will bend down to pick it up. It will be slippery and hard to pick up. You will vow to be more careful next time.

11... A tree will fall in a woods many miles away from you, and you will not hear it.

12... You will finally murder that person that's been pissing you off for so long. Or at least think about it.

13... You will discover that you've been walking around all day with your fly open.

14... You will decide to cure your depression and boredom by taking a vacation in another country. While on vacation, you will realize you didn't need to go away, because everyone you love and care about is right at home. You will return home, elated with your epiphany. Nobody will have noticed you were gone.

15... The library will provide you with a wealth of information.

16... You will accidentally leave your door unlocked tonight and everyone will discover the truth about that giant egg you always carry around.

17... You will become obsessed with a new song you hear on the radio until you realize that the radio wasn't on.

18... You will look in the mirror and realize what a lovely young (wo)man you are turning into.

19... You will learn a new magic trick. You will show it to everyone you know. They will be impressed, but they still won't like you.

20... You will be eaten by giant baboons. A baboon about your size will take over your life. Nobody will notice.

21... You will drink to improve your self-esteem and personality. It will work like a charm.